Today we enter into a new realm of etiquette, a realm that stretches beyond the standard "do not use your dessert fork to pick off scabs" and "do not tell your future mother-in-law dirty jokes on first meeting" to name a couple, straight into....(drum roll please)....
`Umbrella Etiquette.
Please take some time to carefully absorb said Umbrella Etiquette, as I firmly believe it could one day save your life or the life of someone you have never met with a mullet walking on the sidewalk near you during a rain storm.
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So - If you would allow me, I would now like to present you with exhibit A, which will start us off on our Umbrella Etiquette journey:
` `Exibit A: "Big Momma"
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Okay, so immediately upon viewing this picture, one will turn their attention to the insanely-white coat that lady is mistakenly wearing after labour day - big no no. Please people, you know the rule, all you have to do is follow it.
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Secondly, you will notice the extremely red car in the foreground of the picture, artistically parked with its back end forward whereas all the other cars are front-end forward. This is a mystery...I like mystery.
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Thirdly, and most importantly, one can't help but notice THE HUGE FRIKIN UMBRELLA THAT UNDOUBTEDLY BELONGED TO SNUFFLEUPAGUS BEFORE HIS PASSING. What? Did you pick this up from a Sesame Street prop auction??!!
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I cannot believe the size of this umbrella, it's practically a weapon!! I mean, COME ON, have the meeting in the office guys, you know, on dry land, inside the building with coffee machines and swivel chairs?? All I can say is "you've been swindled!" - yes the umbrella salesman told you it would be a good way to incorporate fresh air and exercise into your daily office life, but have you no consideration for the lack of space provided on the average North American city sidewalk?? GOOD GRIEF!!! I'm having a mental breakdown here!!
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I cannot believe the size of this umbrella, it's practically a weapon!! I mean, COME ON, have the meeting in the office guys, you know, on dry land, inside the building with coffee machines and swivel chairs?? All I can say is "you've been swindled!" - yes the umbrella salesman told you it would be a good way to incorporate fresh air and exercise into your daily office life, but have you no consideration for the lack of space provided on the average North American city sidewalk?? GOOD GRIEF!!! I'm having a mental breakdown here!!
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So first of all, let me remind you that I live in a Canadian West Coast city that has two seasons - Rain and Almost Could Pass For Summer. That being the case, this is what I have to deal with just about every day working Downtown - people walking around without a care in the world, sporting their Humvee umbrellas with diabolical umbrella spears pointing right at my head as they walk by, hitting me in the face, and poking out my eyes as they continue on, completely unaffected, listening to "Singing in the Rain" (the Clockwork Orange version) on their precious little iPods, as I slowly bleed to death. 
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Okay, so a bit of an exaggeration, but you get my point.
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Anyway, now that I've gotten all that off my chest I will thus present you with RULE NO. 1:
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NEVER SPORT AN UMBRELLA UNDER WHICH MARY POPPINS AND ALL THE RESIDENTS OF CHERRY TREE LANE COULD SEEK SHELTER SIMULTANEOUSLY!!!
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Ponder that, soak it in, store it in your memory, then go out into the umbrella-crazy world and do your part to keep our streets safe!
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`Okay, so a bit of an exaggeration, but you get my point.
`
Anyway, now that I've gotten all that off my chest I will thus present you with RULE NO. 1:
`
NEVER SPORT AN UMBRELLA UNDER WHICH MARY POPPINS AND ALL THE RESIDENTS OF CHERRY TREE LANE COULD SEEK SHELTER SIMULTANEOUSLY!!!
`
Ponder that, soak it in, store it in your memory, then go out into the umbrella-crazy world and do your part to keep our streets safe!
`
This is a war on umbrellas people!!
``Okay, all done.
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Stay tuned for more Umbrella Etiquette and remember today's lesson - SIZE MATTERS - was brought to you by the letter Q!
1 comment:
Amb, I LOVE your blogging. Thank you for starting up again. This was really funny. And, we need more people to stand up for the cause and spread the word of umbrella etiquette. Thank you for fighting the good fight!! And, you gotta love those dirty jokes to future mother-in-laws ;)
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