Too afraid to face what you're afraid of?

The thought has occured to me lately, what am I afraid of?

Is it unseen and unstoppable forces of evil (Satan, demons, terrorists) by the church's/world's definition, or is it the "evil" in myself? Which one is eating away at me more? I think its a good question to ask, and I still don't have the answer but I do know one thing, my mind has more control over how I feel and act than I give it credit for. Its kinda like when you're a kid and you decide that broccoli tastes gross and is "evil" (or in my friends Jon's case carrots are the intrinsically "evil" vegetable), but its only after I grow up and realize that broccoli is good for me and that vegetables aren't scary but helpful and necessary that I actually start to like broccoli. I mean, of course, there are some things that you will just think are yucky forever, but the point is, IS IT ALL IN MY MIND???

What if the "evil" we so openly talk about in "church" circles, and the Satan we so easily blame for everything bad and miserable in life does not in fact exist at all?? If we were to remove that, what is left over....... just US and G-D. There is a lot of implications with what I'm saying, I know, its all just exploratory at this stage, but if it were true, and God has purposely created/allowed adversary and struggle, temptation, accusation, sickness, fear, pain, and, dare I say, even boredom, and all this fear that I have in my mind is completely unecessary and just a distraction from the truth of the matter, simply that G-D IS IN CONTROL, none of his enemies, be it satan or mankind, are able to match his authority and purposes, and he is trying to show me who he is by allowing life to be what it is.

What if it's not satan I'm up against at all but its my own refusal to accept G-D as being all-powerful, all-knowing, and completely able to do whatever he wants without my permission. What if my struggle is with refining my God-given free-will with His help, and the onset of struggles are intended to provide me with opportunities to make choices that define who I am and what I become. Kinda like the Matrix really....we all here to make choices and see what kind of creatures we become because of them...we are all learnig to abandon selfishness, pride, and ignorance and we can only do that by making conscious choices, not by blaming unseen forces and being superstitious.

Yeah, choosing is great. It's what makes us human, and interestingly enough, it's what makes G-D god....choices that set things in motion.

G-D thought of light, made the choice to create it, and said "let there be light", and he created light.

I say, I want to have integrity, so I make integral choices, and, it then exists in me.

G-D models freewill for us, we really do need to "be like Him", because all of his freewill choices are perfect. Maybe we're just learning how to choose like God chooses, knowing all the while that He chose us. It's a nice feeling.

Anyway. I'm done. That was a tangent. yay.

Amber