S U R P R I S E!!!! Its your birthday party!

So yesterday my friends, some new and some old, threw me a quite fun and quite deranged surprise party. I was told by my ever-suave husband that I was being taken out for a romantic dinner, just the two of us, and I was thus prepared for an evening of candlelight, relaxing music, some fine wine, and the occasional caressing of hands - picture something akin to Michelangelo's Creation Of Man painting.

I was quite happy about this, after all you only turn 22 once, unless you believe in reincarnation, in which case I may actually be you reincarnated and this is your 67th 22nd birthday - happy birthday, you old soul you!!!!

So, as we are headed to the secret restaurant destination, my anticipation growing, my hunger swelling up inside me, we suddenly take a right turn, coincidentally might I say, down my best friend Jacquie's street. My husband's explanation for this - "I have presents for you stored at her place". Hmmm...think think...that's probably true, no funny business here, oh, but wait, he wants me to come inside!!!! At this point, having missed all the warning signs completely, those being (to name a few): my friend Patrick's white-as-snow Ford parked on the street, the statement earlier in the day by my friend Desiree that she was "sorry she couldn't stay for my birthday", and the disappointing news that my special girlfriends rendezvous planned for Monday had been cancelled. Even after all this, I unwittingly made my way inside to the party.

"S U R P R I S E !!!!!" Such a fun way to start an evening with friends, really it is, especially if you don't throw up or start laughing hysterically with embarrassment. :) It was quite a surprise - all of my friends, some from church circles, some from friend circles, some from very strange circles that we won't talk about here, all in one room together to celebrate me. Its quite overwhelming really, even more than a wedding, cause at least some of the attention goes to your significant other - but not at a surprise birthday party - nope - its all about you baby and its time to impress, to be the most entertaining Amber all your friends have ever known. You must endeavor to prevent people from asking, "Hey, why are we devoting an entire evening to one person", and then you are forced to locate your inner diva and answer, "Its because I'm frikin amazing! Now get me some cake!".

During the course of the evening, I found myself doing impressions of Stewie from Family Guy, and my most evil of evil laughs for the sheer enjoyment of my demanding friends. I noticed that my new friends looked a little frightened by my evil laugh and perhaps wondered if I was a few fries short of a happy meal.

This is the point in the evening I proceeded to suggest lame party games like charades. Charades is such a fabulous game, especially "amongst the brethren". It's good ole' clean fun and a chance for everyone to get their two minutes of fame that may, perhaps, go down in charade history. The charade from last night that will forever go down in surprise party charade history, was performed by none other than Cheryl N.. Cheryl is, and I quote, "not a party game person", and I assume this is the result of some past party-game trauma. Nonetheless, she was forced by Team 2 to do her part, and she did a surprisingly life-like impression of Jabba The Hut from Star Wars.

It was amazing really - the drool, the obesity, the disqustingness - it all came out nicely in her acting, but for some reason every time someone yelled out "Jabba The Hut!?" as a guess, Cheryl looked mad and flabbergasted. It was about five minutes into this going-nowhere charade session that we, on Team 1, realized she had picked the card that said "YODA", and was, in fact, quite confused and in need of some serious Star Wars re-education.

We helped the poor child out by informing her that she was acting out the wrong character, and allowed her to proceed with the actual YODA charade. That one wasn't as impressive, but by this time, she was so exhausted from acting out Jabba The Yoda/Yoda The Hut that we let it go. I thought that it might be a good idea to organize a meeting for Cheryl with my friend Dawson, who is, at least in my estimation, a Star Wars buff. She will get a proper re-education, and with some work, we can ensure this mal-charading never happens again. I have to add that this disgusting charade mishap has further added to Cheryl's party-game trauma, and she is probably at home crying right now.

So after the Charades was gift opening time. I have to say, I was showered with gifts, and got gifts I could shower with (from Lush and Escents)...hee hee hee, I crack myself up! No, but seriously now, I got a LOT of gifts, too many really, and it was very overwhelming and embarrassing. They wanted me to open them one by one, watch the expression on my face, my every response. Getting through the gift opening part was the hardest! The coolest gift I got was deliriou5?: cutting edge, an old-school CD that brought back a lot of fond memories for me (this is a shout out to all my old OCF peeps, I still can't believe we didn't break Brian and Lucie's floor the way we danced to Happy Song!). Anyway, like I said, the gifts were amazing, such a blessing, I was spoiled rotten, especially by my husband, and...I like it!

After the gift opening, the party started to die down; one by one people began to leave, I was hugged, kissed, and sweet happy birthdays were whispered in my ear. It was a wonderful party, really it was, and I feel so valued and loved. We laughed, we cried, we ate and drank. There was even a spontaneous co-ed cake fight that broke out, which may have permanently stained Jacquie's carpet with blue icing. I tell ya, Christians get really out of hand at surprise parties, and something like blue icing always gets spilled on the floor. Its wrong, just wrong!

The funny thing about surprise parties is that in order to have a really good one, you first have to think that your friends have completely forgotten about you and feel really sorry for yourself. I didn't think I was going to have a party. There was not a lot of mention about one, I was really confused, and as far as I knew plans were being switched and rearranged and it was a bit dissapointing. Chris and JQ did a great job of setting me up for this one. Hee hee. It's only after you enter a room full of smiling faces yelling surprise and see the presents, food, and balloons that you realize (much to the chagrin of your self-pitying id), "They love me, they really love me!". To think, a group of people from all different walks of life would wait patiently in a stranger's livingroom for me to make my fashionably late arrival!!! What a blessing, and, of course, what a surprise.

Sometimes being loved and cherished is surprising, especially in this world. God's love is like that - just when you thought you were worth nothing "surprise!", there is a friend that sticks closer than a brother.

I feel so blessed, and I am so happy to be 22! Yay, another year of renewal and abundance of life in Christ!

Thanks to all my friends for loving me and celebrating me!

Peace out.
Amber

Stocking up on toilet paper!

Yesterday I drove past a store that specialized in toilet paper. There were big sign outside advertising "two for the price of one", "special family pack", "three-month supply guaranteed". This struck me as odd, and well, I'm still struck. To think about the research that went into that. I wonder if you could volunteer to be in a research group for toilet paper. "Um, yes, I'd like to be in your toilet paper research group, I'll count every sheet and get back to you in six weeks". And, what's all the fuss about toilet paper anyways? Its not like we're running out...

"or are we?"


Can you imagine if toilet paper was a precious commodity, like gas for instance. "Oh dang, the price of TP went up again - we better go to the 2 for 1 store and stock up!". Maybe in that situation I would go specifically to the toilet paper store, but until that day, I'm happy with the occasional stroll down the toilet paper isle at my local grocery store.

:)

Dealing with my feelings on the "D" word

Over the last few months I have been dealing with a lot of things, but an issue that was really on the forefront was my feelings about divorce. I don't know if I ever really did deal with my parent's divorce the way I should have, or that I really got the closure that I needed, but for some reason "divorce", this word that so easily slips off our culture's tongue, had become a stumblingblock in my mind. One day, sitting alonge on a quiet Thursday evening, I decided to explore some of my feelings - the deep, dark, bad, ugly, lump-in-your-throat feelings - this word "divorce" conjured up inside of me, in all of its passive aggressive tyranny. Here it is:


Divorce
By Amber O'Neill

Divorce...a gloomy winter of isolation.
The coldest the heart has ever been...aching.
The flood of unending grief from the many deaths your soul has died,
acceptance of the invested love that has been squandered.
Identity, the mirror is cracking, your reflection muddled and displaced.
You are no longer defined by what was once yours, what was once beautiful,
now taking its last breath as it transforms into a painful memory beneath the
unrelenting snow...
Lost forever, buried, taking with it your young and fragile dreams.
Resentment, like scalding water searing through your veins,
your cauldron of anger boils over, the fire fueled by your unending lists of pain.
Hatred walks towards you carrying his false promises of appeasement,
but you know there is no such thing.

Neglected, your beautiful parts never fully unveiled,
Like a secret field of fragrant roses that will remain undiscovered
An unfortunate swan princess whose prince could not make the journey to save her...
another great warrior whose lady fair cut off his locks of strength.
Loneliness, like a black fog seeps into each pore of your skin.
You are desolate left only with your self doubt as it overwhelms, mocks,
reaffirms your unworthiness, "no one will ever love you", a voice whispers in your
ear. Fear, lying alone at night with no one to touch you, no one to make the dark room
feel gentle. The monsters under the bed become real once again,
but they are your only companions.

Forgotten, the intricate parts of yourself woven together with another,
all of the times you laughed and cried, the nakedness of your souls and bodies,
your vulnerable surrender for another - wasted.
Acceptance, the grief and the coldness of winter, the death of your idealism,
A stepping stone, tasting the ultimate test of the human spirit in survival.
Adaptation, like weary nomads moving vast distances in search of something lasting.
"When will our journey end?" We ask the sky.
Divorce...the last scene of a play for which there is no enlightened applause,
and as the curtain slowly closes, and the theater abruptly empties...so does your
heart. 

Too afraid to face what you're afraid of?

The thought has occured to me lately, what am I afraid of?

Is it unseen and unstoppable forces of evil (Satan, demons, terrorists) by the church's/world's definition, or is it the "evil" in myself? Which one is eating away at me more? I think its a good question to ask, and I still don't have the answer but I do know one thing, my mind has more control over how I feel and act than I give it credit for. Its kinda like when you're a kid and you decide that broccoli tastes gross and is "evil" (or in my friends Jon's case carrots are the intrinsically "evil" vegetable), but its only after I grow up and realize that broccoli is good for me and that vegetables aren't scary but helpful and necessary that I actually start to like broccoli. I mean, of course, there are some things that you will just think are yucky forever, but the point is, IS IT ALL IN MY MIND???

What if the "evil" we so openly talk about in "church" circles, and the Satan we so easily blame for everything bad and miserable in life does not in fact exist at all?? If we were to remove that, what is left over....... just US and G-D. There is a lot of implications with what I'm saying, I know, its all just exploratory at this stage, but if it were true, and God has purposely created/allowed adversary and struggle, temptation, accusation, sickness, fear, pain, and, dare I say, even boredom, and all this fear that I have in my mind is completely unecessary and just a distraction from the truth of the matter, simply that G-D IS IN CONTROL, none of his enemies, be it satan or mankind, are able to match his authority and purposes, and he is trying to show me who he is by allowing life to be what it is.

What if it's not satan I'm up against at all but its my own refusal to accept G-D as being all-powerful, all-knowing, and completely able to do whatever he wants without my permission. What if my struggle is with refining my God-given free-will with His help, and the onset of struggles are intended to provide me with opportunities to make choices that define who I am and what I become. Kinda like the Matrix really....we all here to make choices and see what kind of creatures we become because of them...we are all learnig to abandon selfishness, pride, and ignorance and we can only do that by making conscious choices, not by blaming unseen forces and being superstitious.

Yeah, choosing is great. It's what makes us human, and interestingly enough, it's what makes G-D god....choices that set things in motion.

G-D thought of light, made the choice to create it, and said "let there be light", and he created light.

I say, I want to have integrity, so I make integral choices, and, it then exists in me.

G-D models freewill for us, we really do need to "be like Him", because all of his freewill choices are perfect. Maybe we're just learning how to choose like God chooses, knowing all the while that He chose us. It's a nice feeling.

Anyway. I'm done. That was a tangent. yay.

Amber

Maple Syrup and Dirt

Yesterday while I was walking home from teaching piano lessons I came across a big hilly area covered with leaves from surronding trees, absolutely covered. I was going to walk right by and responsibly continue on home, but the child inside of me was aching to run straight into the leaves and kick them around everywhere...she wanted to see them fly around her and smell the dirt and cold and wet of them. That's exactly what she did.

I never want to forget that it truly is the small moments in life that make the grand scheme of our lives more beautiful and enriched. So go ahead and make your memories from splendid, beautiful, amazing, courageous, crazy, and lavish things...you'll be proud of it in the end.

Amber

P.S. It dawned on me yesterday that fall smells like maple syrup mixed with dirt...seriously.