The Starbucks Ultimatum

(I wrote out this little saga a couple days ago and sent it to some friends...thought I'd paste it here too just for fun :)

Okay, so this morning I got in my first official fight with a Starbucks employee. I'm not sure if it was him (well, I'm pretty sure it was him) or me (I'm usually quite perfectly well behaved...don’t laugh), but needless to say, something went awry.

I stopped by the Starbucks a few blocks away from my usual Starbucks, against my better judgement (once you pick a Starbucks you should always be faithful and build up a rapport with current wave of over-caffeinated, over-worked barristas to ensure you get adequate coffee specification compliance and service). I proceeded to order a GRANDE, DARK ROAST COFFEE WITH 1% MILK. Now considering the fact there are about a gazillion people in in this city that order FAR MORE complicated drinks than that, I figured, this is an easy one - not so.

The barrista that handled my drink, a husky, Norweigan-ish looking guy with reddish blonde hair, a beard, and a lackadaisical attitude to boot, asked me if I wanted my milk cold or steamed. After a few seconds of deep inner rumination on his kind and thoughtful steamed vs cold milk proposition, I decided to go with steamed because it sounded warm and comfortable, it conjured up nostalgic Christmas-time memories, and it seemed like my taste buds were "in the mood". They called out my order when it was complete, and I happily went over to the counter after paying $2.86, and grabbed it longingly - looking forward to the moment I would sit down at my desk and take that first glorious, sensual sip. I am the kind of person that is extremely cafe-en-route challenged. I never drink my coffee while walking because it is sure to end in some sort of embarrassing coffee stain or painful burn; hence, I did not taste the coffee before arriving at work 2.5 blocks away. It was then that things changed....dum dum duuuuummmm.

I sat down at my desk, said hello to my groggy morning colleagues, got comfortable, turned on my computer (as per the usual routine), and then took the first sip of my "coffee". Eck!!!!!!! This wasn't coffee, and it wasn't dark, this was (and I say this is a hushed voice)....PLAIN STEAMED MILK!!! Oh, the horror, the HORROR!!!! After a loud gasp and immediate inquiry by all colleagues present re the source of my shock , I shared the horror of my MIA grande dark roast coffee. With some kind encouragement from my equally horrified colleagues, I decided to march back the 2.5 blocks to Starbucks and politely ask for some REAL COFFEE! You just can’t expect a transcriptionist to start listening to butch female polish doctors with last names like Wojtowska and deep husky voices until she has her morning coffee! It isn't done, its inhumane really.

I knew that it was just an innocent mistake (we are born innocent, believe me Adia, we are still innocent...) so I was not intending to be angry with the good fellow, I just wanted to be rid of the frothy bovine effluence and get my dark Yukon dark roast, stat! When I arrived back at Starbucks, about 15 minutes later, I, of course, encountered a line-up of people who were starting to arrive "two-by-two" on the coffee ark just past the not-so-busy-that-you-have-to-wait-in-line Starbuxing hour (5:30 am to 6:30 am). I sighed, knowing that I would have to wait even longer for some caffeine, starting, at this point, to tweak out and feel my eyeballs moving from side-to-side. I waited for about 5 minutes and then it was FINALLY my turn.

I was very polite and sweet and started with the most polite opening statement I could conjure - "I'm sorry to trouble you..." . You see, I am helplessly self-deprecating and sheepish and never like to "assert" myself in matters as insignificant as coffee mix-ups, but I continued on valiantly to explain that I had a big cup of steamed milk when I had, in fact, asked for a big cup of COFFEE. At first his reaction was commendable, the barrista seemed genuinely pained at the trouble he had caused me and the fact that I had to walk all the way back there, and he then proceeded to ask me if I wanted a "London Fog" instead . This confused me and sort of threw me off because I had just finished repeating for the SECOND TIME that I wanted a GRANDE, DARK ROAST COFFEE WITH 1% MILK. I said "NO, just give me a coffee with some 1% milk!". He seemed a little perturbed that I wasn't on board with his "London Fog" idea, and at this point I was starting to get annoyed as well - I had enough fog in my half-asleep brain still desperately needing to be aroused by caffeine, and I didn't need anymore! Why this was an issue for him, I have no clue.

So, as he was getting my drink I looked at the price menu and realized, much to my chagrin, that they had charged me $2.86 for the steamed milk, when the GRANDE COFFEE I had ordered was only $1.97 with tax. I thought that I should probably ask for my 0.89 cent refund, as it was well-deserved considering the circumstances. I told another barrista who was working the till this, and he seemed fine with it and just told me to wait for "the other guy".

When "the other guy" came back over with my brand spankin' new coffee, I asked him, once again very politely, for a refund of the difference between the steamed milk (that I didn't order in the first place) and the plain old grande coffee with 1% milk - not a London Fog a Brazilian Rainstorm or an Oklahoma Hurricaine - just a plain old COFFEE! After asking for a refund, the barrista, again, seemed perturbed and frustrated, and he reached under the "employees only know what is down here" counter and pulled out a "free coupon" , handed it to me and said, "here, just take a free coupon". You see, in most circumstances I wouldn't have minded his "free coupon", because you can get a lot of use out of a free coupon, however, because this guy had been full of attitude and drink suggestions involving fog before 7:00 am, I was not yet a "satisfied customer". I thought about it for a second before walking away with the "not-so-free coupon" and then came to the conclusion that I not only deserved a free coupon, I also deserved a refund of the difference between the wrong order (steamed milk), and the right order (COFFEE!). And so I said it - "Um, are you going to give me my money back. You over-charged me for the coffee, and a 'free coupon' isn't free unless you pay me back the difference!".

Call me bold, call me crazy, but at the time this request seemed logical to me - the barrista, aka "the other guy" did not share my sentiments however, and this is when he gave me the ultimatum, "look, you can take the coupon, or you can take the dollar, but you can't have both, so what will it be?!" I almost wanted to laugh, it was 6:51 am, I was on round two of coffee ordering at Starbucks, and I was getting a STARBUCKS ULTIMATUM! I never thought this day would come...the day I would have to choose between a "not-so-free coupon" and a refund I rightly deserved in Starbucks . Starbuck, Starbucks, Starbucks. Its not just on every corner of every street, its now on every corner of every functioning part of by brain!

Feeling somewhat perturbed myself, and not wanting to continue this battle of the not-yet-caffeinated, I decided to leave - but first, of course, I gave him "the look". You know, "THE look", the one that's supposed the say all of the brilliant and witty things you couldn't think of saying at the moment, then I grabbed my real coffee, and the "not so free coupon" , and left. And now, I have just wasted 45 minutes of work time to talk about it.

The moral of the story is..... sometimes in life if you can’t "have it all" it really isn’t good enough, and I’m the kind of gal who WANTS IT ALL!! Oh yeah, and....DOWN WITH STARBUCKS ! Or at least the one on the corner of Burrard and Smithe in Vancouver, and the barrista known as "the other guy".

I am now drinking my real grande Yukon dark roast, and it was worth every bit of trouble! All I know is that I'm gonna use that "not-so-free" coupon, and make it worth my while!

"Hi, I’d like a Vente lowfat triple guatemalan antigua decaf machiatto with amaretto flavoring and topped with whipped cream and the tiniest dash of freshly grated nutmeg - please".

And just when they thought it was over I’ll come back 15 minutes later and say, "I’m sorry, I ordered a steamed milk!"

Just kidding.

Cheers.